HOW CAN I SAFEGUARD MY CHILDREN FROM SEXUAL ABUSE?
One in 10 children will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday. (1)
About 90% of children who are victims of abuse know their abuser.
Only 10% are abused by a stranger, and approximately 30% are abused by family members. (2)
Of those molesting a child under 6 years old, 50% are family members. (3)
Because sexual abuse is awkward to talk about or because we think our friends and family would never do it, we avoid the subject. You cannot afford to take chances. You must take steps to safeguard your children as early as possible.
Talk To Them At A Young Age
When your child is as young as 3, take opportunities to speak about how no one should ever see their private parts except Mom or Dad or the doctor when Mom or Dad is with them.
Bath time is a natural time to say these things. You don’t need a long, sit-down talk with them at that age; simply build a foundation, little by little. Every once in a while, mention how no one is to see them naked, and if anyone asks to, they should tell Mom or Dad right away. They need to know where to go if something happens. Allow them to ask questions if they need to.
Explain to them how God made their body very special. Every part of their body is good, but some parts are private. Some suggest saying things such as, “No one is allowed to see or touch anything your swimsuit covers.” But, also, be aware that perpetrators can touch children inappropriately in other ways, too. You may want to add, “If anyone touches you in a way that makes you feel uneasy, let Mom or Dad know right away. You can always come to us.”
Make sure they know they must speak to you if someone ever makes them feel uncomfortable, no matter who it is, even if it is someone they know well. Be careful not to mention family members, like “your granddad or uncle.” This may put unhelpful images in their minds and make them unnecessarily afraid of their family. Let them know they will not be in trouble if they come to you. In fact, you will be proud of them and will help them.
Teach Your Children The Scientific Names Of Their Body Parts
This can also be helpful for several reasons. Giving nicknames to private parts can make their private parts seem like playthings, and that’s the approach a perpetrator will take. They’ll use playful names. Nicknames also don’t give dignity their bodies. We don’t give nicknames to our elbows or knees or noses. So, why do we turn our private parts into silly things?
Using scientific names also demystifies our private parts. If a child is touched inappropriately, they’re going to need to be able to report or say what happened in a matter-of-fact way. Knowing the names of their private parts will help them report it properly to the police.
Ask Questions Every Once In Awhile
When your children are a little older, don’t be afraid to ask questions like, “Is there anyone you feel uncomfortable with?” “Do you like it when that babysitter is with you?” “Do they ever talk about stuff that’s inappropriate or makes you feel awkward?” “Have they ever touched you?” “Are there people who have tried to get alone with you?” Of course, we don’t want to make our children fearful of everyone. Too many of these questions all at once could disturb them. You will need to be wise, but don’t be afraid to speak about it either.
Establish A Few Basic Rules
Don’t be alone in a room with someone with the door shut.
Don’t go to a secluded place with anyone.
If someone asks you to be alone with them, tell Mom or Dad.
If an older person asks you to keep a secret, tell Mom or Dad.
Be Alert To Those Who Are Often Around Your Family & Children
— both adults and children a few years older than your children.
Do they attempt to isolate any of your children? They may ask your child things such as, “Will you come down to the basement and play with me?”
Do they give them lots of gifts, more than what’s usual? Do they shut doors behind them when they enter rooms?
Do they find it hard to pay attention in normal conversation, their eyes often following the children?
Are they grooming a specific child, zeroing in on one particular one? Perpetrators will often draw closer and closer to a specific child over months or years, getting them more and more comfortable with them. These are red flags to watch for.
Understand that abusers will make their victims feel like it’s their fault. They’ll say things like, “Dirty things happen to dirty kids.” This rips into their identity. They will shame the children into not saying something. When sexual abuse starts to happen, the child is often curious. They may go along with it out of curiosity and end up thinking it was their fault.
If a blanket of shame seems to come over your child, it’s a sign you need to sit with them and ask some questions in a loving, gentle and affirming way.
If something did happen, stay calm. Make sure they know it’s not their fault in any way. Let them know you will walk with them and will help them.
Give Them The Benefit Of The Doubt
Many parents don’t believe their children when they say they’ve been abused. We suggest you always assume they are telling the truth. Start with that until the facts seem clearly not to add up. Of course, if the accusations involve a family member, this can be a very difficult journey to walk. You may need the help of a trained professional. But always let your children know you are on their side above everyone else’s.
Be Proactive
Be empowered as their parent to ask questions about where they’re going and what they’re doing. If your children go for a playdate, ask who will be there. If they go to a birthday party, ask the host of the party what adults will be there. Even at their play-school, be aware of the workers. Have they had the appropriate background checks? Who will be taking your children to the bathroom? Don’t hesitate to ask these kinds of questions.
We did not let our children sleep over at friends’ houses unless we knew the family well and trusted them completely. They weren’t allowed to spend the night at birthday parties of people we didn’t know well. We would pick them up early. They didn’t spend the night at someone’s house until around 10 or 12 years old, but the main criteria were knowing the parents well and knowing who else would be in the house. We didn’t allow spending the night at a friend’s house to become a habit or regular occurrence. And after they came home, we would always discretely ask them who was there and if the older siblings were hanging out with them at all.
Tell your children if they ever feel uncomfortable at someone’s house, they should say they don’t feel well and call Mom or Dad, no matter what time it is. You may want to create a code word they can say to you or text to you if they feel threatened or in danger.
Your job is to protect your children from harm and prevent it when possible. Equipping them with awareness about body safety and what to do when they feel vulnerable is a non-negotiable. If you haven’t started laying a foundation for clear and open communication about this area yet, start today.
(1) C Townsend & A.A. Rheingold (2013). “Estimating a child sexual abuse prevalence rate for practitioners: studies.” Darkness to Light.
(2) D. Finkelhor (2012). “Characteristics of crimes against juveniles.” Durham, NH: Crimes against Children Research Center.
(3) H. Snyder (2000). “Sexual assault of young children as reported to law enforcement: Victim, incident, and offender characteristics.” Washington, DC: U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics.
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