WHEN SHOULD I SPEAK TO MY CHILDREN ABOUT SEX?
Speaking to your children about sex should not be a once-off discussion. You should aim to have an ongoing conversation in which your children feel free to ask you any questions they have.
Often parents read a book to their children about “the birds and the bees” and assume their job is done. No. It’s only the beginning. Sex is a broad topic that cannot be covered in one sitting.
The world is continually talking about it and “educating” your children about what they should believe and how they should behave in regards to sex. You want to be their primary influencer, so your goal should be to create a safe environment where you and your child can speak frequently and openly about it.
Make It More Than Just A Once-off Discussion
When our children were 8 years old, we read to them from a book about how babies were made. Some people suggest speaking with your children as early as possible, particularly if they are inquisitive. If they ask you where babies come from, that’s a clue that they’re probably ready to hear about it.
Two books we would suggest: The Chat: Birds, Bees and Destinies, by Christy Herselman available at www.thechat.co.za. Who Made Me, by Malcolm Doney, Nick Butterworth, Meryl Doney. Available from Amazon.
When your child turns 11, have another “benchmark” conversation with them about sex. If you’ve kept the conversation open, you may have had a few discussions already, but be sure to have one at this stage, too. Ask them if they have any other questions about the topic. They may have forgotten some details from your previous chats.
Invite them to read another book with you. We found James Dobson’s book, Preparing For Adolescence, a helpful tool. Jonas and Drew read one chapter a week together and discussed sensitive topics as they arose. In that way, it made talking about sex a normal and regular part of their relationship. It still is.
At 13 years old, take them for an ice cream and ask what other children at school are saying about sex. What new questions do they have about it? Listen, listen, listen. Do not dominate the conversation by preaching at them. Keep asking them questions. Allow them the space to ask, “What do you think?”
Don’t Be Afraid Of The Subject
Keep talking about it throughout their teen years. Don’t make sex a “dirty” thing. It’s a beautiful thing between a husband and wife. (Not everyone watching this will share our opinion, but as Christians, we believe it’s a gift from God for intimacy in marriage. We made sure our children knew God invented it for good and it has been distorted and cheapened.)
If your child has experimented with sex or sexual activity, you will need to stay calm. Allow them to tell you without an overly emotional response from you. You will be tempted to take it personally. “How could they break our standards or go against my advice?”
Ask them how it has made them feel. Let them express any regrets or disappointment. Speak about your unconditional love. Ask them what boundaries they may need to put into their lives to ensure they don’t get hurt again. Ask them how you can help them walk in freedom and wholeness. They may not have any ideas. You may have to make most of the suggestions. However, if they feel a part of the process, they’re more likely to follow through.
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Empower DESTINY - Where They Belong
Empower LOVE - Where They’re Going
Empower CHARACTER - Who They’re Becoming