Aim For Integrity

Naturally, we want our children to be positive, kind and cheerful, but godly character goes deeper than those qualities and is a much better goal. We’ve seen too many parents trade character formation for momentary ‘peace’ in the home by giving in to their children’s every demand.

Cayo, my toddler, knows how to use my cellphone better than I do, especially to play games. He’s become so fixated with phones that we can see it’s quickly becoming unhealthy. We can tell it’s on his mind the moment he wakes up. But he’s learned that the direct approach doesn’t get him very far. So, he starts buttering me up, sometimes for a whole 30 minutes, before he asks to play with it. He smiles and hugs me and showers me with kisses. He laughs at my jokes and tells me how much he loves me. And when he thinks I’ve softened, he whimsically mumbles, “I haven’t played on your phone in a long time.” When I say no, he sulks. As if to say, “How can you be so mean after I’ve been so nice?” Suddenly, he’s been wronged. Sometimes when I’m under pressure, it’s easier just to give in to him. The same can be said of my teenagers when they really want to do something they know I’m not happy about. They’ll use the same strategy and then sulk when it doesn’t work.

Can you see what’s at stake here? We’re not meant to aim for peace in the home, but the character in their hearts. They’re using manipulative behaviour to get their addiction-fix. They don’t care if the addiction itself could hurt them and they certainly don’t care if the means to that addiction is also destructive. They want what they want and will do whatever it takes, or be whoever they think I want them to be, to get it. That’s not a sign of good character. It lacks integrity. Their behaviour is positive, at least initially, but their hearts are not ultimately.

Focusing on positive behaviour as a strategy toward character formation doesn’t go far or deep enough. To build lasting character, we’ll have to train ourselves to praise and reward acts of integrity, not simply positive behaviour. Rewarding positive behavior says, “I am proud of what you do.” Rewarding integrity says, “I am proud of who you’re becoming.”

*An excerpt from Heart-Shaped Parenting, by Drew and Megan Land.

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